I wish I were skinny, and stylish and chic. (I realize that “stylish” and “chic” are pretty much the same thing, but they made the sentence work…) I wish I were crafty and had an amazing sense of design. I wish were incredibly organized and motivated. I have an intense love/hate relationship with all of these blogs (mostly Mormon, some not) written by these gorgeous, skinny, stylish, ridiculously creative and organized women (some of who I know and love). Hate: Bleh, shoot me. And yet, Love: Oooo, pretty!
Unfortunately, at the moment, I am none of those things. I am not skinny and not very stylish. The style that I do have is usually an attempt to imitate, and not born out of any innate sense of my own--so that even when I do manage to pull together a really cute look, it is completely by accident. My house is usually verging on the messy side at any given moment, and sometimes even veering into “disaster zone” area depending on what is going on. I am not that engaging as a stay-at-home mom; if I can make myself sit through a game of Candyland I feel pretty good about the day. That is why we suit up and get out of the house as soon as possible—there are just too many distractions that can (and will) take me away from my children if we stay in (and one big distraction for them, called the TV).
My home décor is not modern or cute. It is pretty generic. I don’t shop at Anthropology—I shop at Target and Forever 21 and (gasp!) Walmart. And I don’t throw themed dinner-parties for my kids (or neighbors, or friends) on a random weekday or decorate to the nines depending on the season. We are not foodies, or vegetarians (although we probably should be), and don’t even eat organic (although this one I really do want to do). Our evenings are not filled with culture and refinement; they are filled with cheesy reality TV and sci-fi movies.
The truth is, my life is pretty much the opposite of these beautiful lives that I see in these blogs. I admire what these women do and how they live—but it is not, nor will it ever be…me. So why do I feel like a bit of a failure because it won’t? It is one thing to want to be a better YOU, but it is an entirely different thing to want to be a better…somebody else. And I am not, alas, Somebody Else.
Even though my house is usually a mess and not very stylish, it is full of love. (Love and sometimes yelling and screaming, but still…LOVE, I SAY!!!) My kids are told everyday—several times each day—how much we love them. True, I don’t sit down and play games hours on end, or make holiday crafts with them (heck, even getting through homework is a miracle); but we are always out and about visiting libraries, museums, and the zoo. I can turn even the most mundane trip to the park into an adventure (bugs and puddles and sand tunnels, oh my!). And last night during bath time I taught them about the human digestive system (so there, cute seasonal crafts!).
This isn’t to say that I don’t have things I can or want to improve in my life, because there are. But accepting who I am and working from there is much easier than trying to be someone completely different. And even though I know this is true, I guess sometimes as I am perusing online, I have to remind myself now and then.
I am not those things and it is OKAY. I am not less for being me.
And neither are you.
4 comments:
Oh, Tara Tara Tara! I know exactly how you've been feeling!! The blogland is such a great place to be creative, but sometimes overwhelming to me because of those oh so perfect (seem to me) women. Every night and weekend if I don't do a quality time with Casey, I feel loser. Or when I don't provide a great healthy meal (with lots of vegetables) to my family, I feel I fail as a mother.
I wish I could be creative that my house is something that people would say Oh, wow!.
But all these things will take time and learning process including parenting, being creative, etc. So I just tell myself someday I will get there and be better at it.
You know what? You don't have to look great. You already have an amazing and beautiful face that attract people. Your face shows your beauty inside.
I still remember you are the first person who said hi to me at chuch and very kind to talk to me every time I saw you. I was so greatful that you did every time.
You have a great family and I think that's most important!!
Love you, Tara!
Amen!! I love this post!!! It is so easy to get caught up in our own shortcomings (especially when others' strengths are on display), but this is exactly what Satan wants. He wants us to compare ourselves to others and to feel less than because he knows that we are strong, faithful, beautiful (even if not skinny) daughters of God who have SO much power for good in the world. We have limitless potential to change the world, and it does not matter if our houses aren't decorated perfectly and aren't spotless. You are accomplishing a great feat by raising three little boys with love and faith, and I just wish every day we could all block out fears and insecurities and remember who we are and the importance of what we are doing. Thanks for this post that reminds me we are all battling the comparison bug, and we are all feeling insecure about our "accomplishments" but we don't need to be. :)
Thanks for your post. I have goose bumps. :) It's nice to know that I am not alone. However, you have always been one of my heroes, whether you feel like it or not. :)
LOVE this post, Tara! I have very often felt the same way as you (and you know that) but I've also realized that people that have to "show" that their lives are perfect and better than yours are usually the ones with the most skeletons in their closets. A smile and a perfectly manicured home and family can hide a lot.
I love you!
XOXOXO
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